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An Ode To Fall
by One of the Ten Angry Men (photo
copyright Joanne Pearson)
Having grown tired of listening to people complain
about the end of summer, we feel that it is necessary to remind
everyone of all that there is to love about the coming fall.
Such as.....................
Monday night football.
Sunday afternoon football.
Sunday night football.
The sad, mournful eyes of a child as he realizes that his carefree
days of summer are at an end, and he now has to get his ass
out of bed at 6 AM and spend every weekday sitting behind a
desk for 8 mind-numbing hours , just like the rest of have to
do 365 days a year.
Instead of 30 teams playing 162 endless games, baseball is boiled
down to 8 teams and 12 games, where every pitch is significant.
The end of baseball season also means the end of puff
pieces profiling the spoiled wives of major league baseball
players.
The first U-Haul full of college freshmen getting stuck under
a Storrow Drive overpass.
Summer love turns into fall going-thru-the-motions.
Because this fall, A WOMAN WILL BE PRESIDENT.
No, really.
The new fall TV season (excluding any offerings from Lifetime
Television for Women and the WB.)
No more sun means no more sunglasses
the size of ski goggles.
No more girls walking around in those tight shorts that have
cute slogans or the name of their college written across their
behind. (Yes, we know that would ordinarily be cause for sadness.
But this isn't Miami; it's Boston, and once you've seen "Springfield
Technical Community College"stenciled across a girl's ass-
and been able to read every letter- you know the fad's gone
too far.)
Jackets.
Sweaters
And, for the ladies- Swackets, (otherwise known as those knee-
length sweaters.)
Thinly-dressed women caught unprepared when a warm afternoon
unexpectedly turns cold.
The Hot Dog vendor at Fenway no longer sweats all over your
food.
High school kids are too busy doing homework to come into town
and clog Newbury street and congregate aimlessly outside every
Starbucks, Urban Outfitters and Newbury Comics location they
can find.
Coffee tastes even better when it's cold outside.
The bars are filled with thousands of incoming coeds who are
young, pretty, and, more importantly, too new and too stupid
to be turned off by all of your old lines from last year.
The end of September brings with it the end of wedding season.
One word: "Jarhead."
Leaves turning.
Tourists getting the !@#!! out of Boston, and instead going
to Vermont to watch the leaves turning.
The foliage providing people with a great excuse to say "leaf
peeping."
People saying such stupid phrases as "leaf peeping" providing
the likes of us with a great excuse to mock them mercilessly.
Old people retreat to Florida, making for much safer highway
driving for the next 7 months.
No more movies asking us to pay $10 to see a remake of a 1970's
TV show that we wouldn't even watch if it was offered for free
on TVLand.
(Well,
maybe just one.)
The sight of wealthy young urbanites standing in the middle
of the Commonwealth Ave mall, shivering miserably in the 6 AM
cold with only a Ralph Lauren bathrobe to protect them, while
waiting for Fluffy to take a shit so they can pick the steaming
mess up and put it into a plastic bag and bring it back into
the house.
The weather report does not contain the following 4 words: "Record
Breaking Heat Wave."
No more fights, stabbings, and shootings induced by "Record
Breaking Heat Waves."
Great holiday traditions, such as:
Ocktoberfest.
The
Harpoon Fest
The Columbus Day Parade.
Seeing the look on the face of the Italian guy next to you when
you turn to him in the middle of the Columbus Day Parade and
ask "Why is this an Italian holiday? Wasn't he working
for Spain?"
Halloween.
Halloween parties, which provide a perfect excuse to show off
that custom
made Jango Fett costume you just spent $4,000 on.
Halloween parties, which give women a perfect excuse to walk
around the party half-naked for 3 hours even though it is 40
degrees outside.
The knowledge that the coming of fall means we're another year
closer to Season 6 of the Sopranos.
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Recent
posts:
Stuff that rises above the other crap you'll find in
these pages.
...............................
I'm Luke Skywalker, Goddammit!
The lament of a plus-sized Star Wars enthusiast
There's No Fun in Fung Wah
Why we need a new Fenway
The Baddest Motherfucker in All of China
Photo and travel galleries:
...............................
Wicked
Big Blizzard of 05
The
Gates of NY
...............................
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