I Were Charles Schultz...
An alternate ending to the Peanuts comic strip

Good Grief! As we all know by now, Peanuts is no more.
Charles schultz passed away on February 12, 2000. Before he died, he was able to draw the final Peanuts strip. The result: a touching tribute to his characters and a thank you to all his fans.

But ...weren't you disappointed by the way it all ended? Sweet as it was, there was no closure. No payoff to the 50 years spent watching these characters fight the same battles over and over again.

Here's one alternate ending that we think you'll find much more satisfying.

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It would begin with Lucy finally letting Charlie Brown kick the football- he does, sending it flying through the air, and crashing through a window into his house.




The ball lands in Sally’s room, where she is conducting an intervention for Linus, who has abandoned his security blanket for a full-blown crack addiction. Linus, high as a kite, thinks the football crashing through the window is in fact the Great Pumpkin, sent to kill him.

Linus runs screaming out of the room in terror, followed by Lucy, screaming “Come back, Sweet Baboo, come back!”

They pass the bathroom, where inside Peppermint Patty and Marcy are enjoying a hot tub. Marcy is in the process of explaining why it is time that they come out of the closet, when Patty gives her the news- it's over between them.

Enraged, Marcy yells “Aaugh!” and storms out, naked.

The first person she encounters is Schroeder, playing his piano in the hallway. She yells “What are you staring at, you @!##@!! pretty boy? Beethoven, my @!#!”, and immediately begins beating the living crap out of him, before storming out of the strip entirely. Patty, barely taking the time to put her sandals back on, runs out after her. (Marcy will later be involved in a scandal implicating her in the break up of Ellen Degeneris and Anne Heche’s relationship).


On the way out, Patty encounters Franklin, now a full fledged member of the Nation of Islam; he is on his way down to the skating pond, to beat the crap out of all the unsuspecting little white children skating happily there.





All of the children, that is, except for Pig Pen, who was taken into DSS custody after a teacher complained about his constant filth. (The report, of course, reads "Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah.")





Meanwhile, Charlie Brown still can’t get over the fact that Lucy let him finally, after all these years, kick the football. He thanks her profusely, when she finally slaps him and says- “Of course I let you kick it, you blockhead- I'm not crabby anymore, thanks to these” and shows him her bottle of Midol. Charlie Brown thanks her, and goes home, realizing it is time to feed his dog.

Snoopy is not there, however. Woodstock informs Charlie Brown that Snoopy, tired of endless nights spent alone on top of his doghouse, has left the strip behind, and has set off in search of some bitches...